when 140 characters aren't enough, I blog about it.

About Me

Extracts from my journal: Abaddon 

Extracts from my journal: Abaddon 

Boundaries. We create them in any and all relationships, and yet those closest to us will act as if crossing those boundaries is nothing major. I trusted her, I trusted her so much so that I believed she would always have my back the same […]

Extracts from my journal: When death seems easier 

Extracts from my journal: When death seems easier 

If I had the chance to choose between life or death what would I choose? Would I choose life, because of all its beauty or would I choose death because it’s the only thing that seems consistent? Consistent in the sense that once your time […]

Healing: A spark of rediscovery – the process.

Healing: A spark of rediscovery – the process.

It’s only been 13 days since I got back to reality, and it’s been interesting to say the least. I’ve literally spent this year trying not to die inside but a lot of me was stolen – because I chose to allow certain things to […]

Young, black and challenging black people advertising stereotypes in South Africa

Young, black and challenging black people advertising stereotypes in South Africa

  Black family dancing in the yard while having chicken, black women dancing for washing powder, young black people dancing for airtime…. We have all seen it on our television screens, but personally, I have only seen my people dance on a dance-floor.      […]

A quick summary on why men are trash.

A quick summary on why men are trash.

  When the term “men are trash” was trending in South Africa, the automatic retaliation was that #womenaretrash and that we were being dramatically unnecessary because all women were focusing on was the experience of terrible relationships. As much as I’d like to say that’s […]

#2x – The ‘Sugar Daddy’ Infestation

#2x – The ‘Sugar Daddy’ Infestation

  Why do we always manage to excuse the decisions of grown men as “they’re just being men” even when their behaviours are tantamount to ruining an entire generation? Why do we accept that fathers, uncles, cousins and even friends prey on young girls – […]

Whiteness and the Apartheid legacy.

Whiteness and the Apartheid legacy.

There was this thread on twitter by @PieterHowes the other day about whiteness, white privilege, white supremacy, and the impact of Apartheid on South Africa and why racial tensions continue to penetrate through every issue in this country. Please take a moment to read this. […]

#2X – As voting looms: Will you stand on the side lines, or will you get involved?

#2X – As voting looms: Will you stand on the side lines, or will you get involved?

The older generation often states that our current generation doesn’t have any struggles, that we were born with silver spoons in our mouths and all the opportunities that are available to us make our lives much easier.   South Africa, my beautiful land, you are […]

The #OpenUpTheIndustry conversation

The #OpenUpTheIndustry conversation

Find out what I and comedian Simmi Areff think about the controversial hashtag that rocked Twitter called – #OpenUpTheIndustry.   Link: http://cliffcentral.com/kellman-podcasts/kellman-openuptheindustry/    

#2X – ANCWL: What can they teach us now?

#2X – ANCWL: What can they teach us now?

Over the last few years I’ve struggled with the concept of being supportive of anything the ANC does. I cannot understand why they continue to protect the president, when more often than not, the things he does – or has been accused of doing – […]


Lost in my thoughts

My pain, His purpose

My pain, His purpose

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There is a part of every human being that is fearful of falling for someone once they’ve been hurt. A wide range of people have become so good at masking pain once experienced that the assumption is that they must be extremely strong to be able to bounce back quickly. If there is one thing I have learnt about people it’s that when they’re fearful of history repeating itself, they tend to approach situations cautiously.

I met you at a point in my life when I’d just started to understand how much hurt had affected the way in which I related to people. I met you at a phase when I was left hurt and devastated by so many people close to me that I had to learn how to bounce back without the emotional knock taking overt life. It’s a lesson that requires patience daily that makes how you deal with yourself and other people a process.

I wasn’t ready for you. At no given point did I ever think anything would happen between us. At no given point did I find myself overthinking anything or being someone else just to try and impress you. I never found myself protecting myself from you, and building walls mounted with electric wiring all around them. I never found myself questioning why we clicked or why it was so easy for me to get lost in thoughts of what we’d spoken about.

You triggered something in me that I thought had died, and I suppose that’s where the fear now stems from. I don’t know what we’re doing and I know now that nothing with us is as complex as how my mind has made it out to be. I’m not scared of you, I’m scared of having no control of the feelings I have for you, because with you its easy, and it’s easy because we’re just going with it.

I find myself a tad bit frustrated with not being able to see you, but at the same time I find myself justifying how that is normal for two people with schedules like ours, that however doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, miss your energy or being in your company.

When I was gone for those 3 weeks, I found us in a situation I didn’t think we’d be in. I found us communicating and checking in with each other every other day, I left here thinking that the communication would cease and it didn’t, that scared me. It left me asking what we’re doing here. Where are we going with this and what is the end result going to be.

I don’t want to put energy into something that’s going to require me to put bars up outside my window. I’m fearful because life always seems to remind me that no matter how good something is, it will always get taken from you sooner or later.

So I wanted to let you know now where my head is. What my heart fears and what words I prevent from escaping my lips.

I like you. God knows I do. I find myself wanting to be a better version for Him, for myself and lastly for you. I find myself on a more spiritual journey, something more fulfilling and less toxic than the type of life I lived before you. I find myself finding joy in the smallest things and smiling more now than I did before I knew you. I find myself not feeling like I’m less than – less than He deserves of me, less than I deserve of me and less than you deserve of me. I find myself falling in love with my flaws and appreciating every positive soul in my life more now than before. I find myself embracing openness and thoughtfulness more now than I did before, and even though some of my pages look empty they are filled with an invisible ink that only shines when I’m in your presence. There are chapters that I would never let the rest of the world read because the judgement I endured was harsher than I thought I could handle, but I did, handle it, even if some moments weren’t handled with grace as everyone expected me to. I find myself in your presence feeling stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually and having a sense of calmness that I’ve never felt before. I find myself getting excited at the possibility of spending time with you and I suppose it was at that moment when I started to realize how your patience had slowly started breaking down the boundaries I’d set up.

It’s true what they say, a woman will deal with so many boys that when she starts dealing with a man of God that she finds herself not knowing how to handle it. I’m slowly learning how to vocalize my thoughts to you. I’m slowly learning how to let you into my crazy headspace and into my heart without holding onto the belief that you’re going to hurt me.

So forgive me, forgive me for being so fearful of letting you in because I subconsciously compared you to them. Forgive me for being so fearful of your kindness, forgive me for the boundaries I have up, forgive me for ever struggling to open up to you. Forgive me for walking into this being so weary of the company that comes with it. None of it was intentional, I suppose I’ve had to protect myself for so long that knowing that I don’t have to be perfect is so freeing.

I don’t know what God’s plan with this is, I don’t know what he has in store for us, what I do know is that for the first time in my life, I have no issues trusting Him with His plan for me.

And for the second time in my life, I finally understand what it’s like to walk alongside a king, without worries of his boyish side looming over.